The Very Angry Caterpillar

 Recently, I have been under a lot of stress,

I must confess, 

It wasn’t my intention

To invite lots of contention

And I’m afraid I have created a not-so-beautiful 

MESS.

Cut me some slack, I am not children’s book author, though I am a child development expert specializing in adolescence. If you’re new here, my name is Angela McChicken. I am a researcher but also a parent to a young girl named Phileigh McChicken. Her favorite book currently is The Very Hungry Caterpillar  by the late Eric Carle. If you are not familiar, you really should be. It is about a caterpillar who is so hungry. Each day he eats more and more until he gets so big and his tummy hurts. He goes to sleep and a cocoon forms and he turns into a beautiful butterfly. (Which side note, cocoons make moths and chrysalis make butterflies, but try being five and pronouncing that) 

I recently felt like that caterpillar. I let my stress overcome me. Each small event piled on top of one another, and I let it get to me. It got to the point of an ugly angry moth, to which I am ashamed, especially since I have always found moths terrifying. 

Not only did I have an angry outburst towards my daughter, I got upset when she did the exact same thing! She got mad at me and yelled back. I would say her anger was a lot more acceptable given that she is 5 and I am 33. 

Well, let me reframe that as I should. Anger is always okay, but how we choose to demonstrate that by our actions varies. 

David O. McKay said: 

“Never must there be expressed in a Latter-day Saint home an oath, a condemnation term, an expression of anger or jealousy or hatred. Control it! Do not express it!” 

I did not control my anger nor did I express it in the manner in which I should have. I think anger is a very human emotion. There are times that anger is justified. When sacred things are mocked, you can be angry. Christ demonstrated anger when He cleansed the temple. I do not think it is healthy to suppress or ignore our emotions. I do not believe that we should express our anger towards our children, but rather we should take the time to pause and reflect on the emotion we are feeling. 

A dear friend and a colleague once said, “choose to respond rather than to react.” 

What does that mean to you? 

To me, it means allowing yourself to feel that emotion and using your cognition when you respond. Children are growing into adults. Their brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex which is the decision making part of the brain is still developing until age 25. This means it is still really difficult for a child to choose how they will respond, let alone a 5 year old. We must model the behavior we want our children to do because we are their teachers. 

I am not a fan of physical punishment due to my years of research and findings about the harmful effects of it. I love this quote from Brigham Young:

“I will here say to parents, that kind words and loving actions toward children, will subdue their uneducated natures a great deal better than the rod, or in other words, than physical punishment…”

I love knowing that our modern day prophets have revealed doctrine that goes along well with research. This is such a testimony to me that the church is true in somewhat of a secular point of view. I have always thought that science and God should go hand in hand because God is the greatest scientist there is as a creator of this whole world. 

What I mean by bringing the quote up is not a confession that I spanked my daughter—far from it. I raised my voice and she cried and then threw a tantrum back. What I mean is that neither physical punishment nor screaming at your children are acceptable ways of expressing anger. When we lose our cool we are modeling this behavior for our children. Instead, we need to take the time to acknowledge to ourselves what emotion we are feeling and stick to our personal boundaries in the way that we respond to our children’s behavior. 

We must teach our children through our behavior, how to validate their own emotions. The following is a great guide in how to respond to a child’s tantrum:

Number one, identify the emotion the child is feeling. For example, if your child is upset that they don’t get another story at bedtime, you could tell them reading stories is so fun sometimes and I know that you are sad because you want to read one more. 

Number two, set the boundary. Continue the prior example, you will now say we only read two stories at bedtime. 

Number three, follow up with kind words of encouragement. 

In conclusion, 

I vow to not be the very angry caterpillar next time my daughter wants to read another story. I will follow the method put out by researchers and choose to practice nurturing as part of the NEPEM model. 

Going back to my dear friend Krissy, I too must focus on where I am at if I want to have a good relationship with my child. 

Quite frankly, I do not blame Phileigh for wanting to read another of Eric Carle’s works. Rest in Peace kind sir. 

Next time, we will discuss what happens when children ask so many questions—even ones on the birds and the bees. 

Tata for now, 

Andrea McChicken

Sources: 

MARK KENNEDY AP Entertainment Writer. “'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' Author Eric Carle Dies at 91.” 13newsnow.Com, 26 May 2021, https://www.13newsnow.com/article/news/nation-world/eric-carle-very-hungry-caterpillar-obit/507-f31be508-759b-4e74-8c80-74b3abc58770. 

David O. McKAy, in Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2003), 229

Brigham Young, in Journal of Discourses, 26. Volts. (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1865)